Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
