just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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