Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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