Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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