if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
sarcasm needs its own font
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just found puke in my bra..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
this is an emotional support booty call
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
