my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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