my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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