How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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