I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
