Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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