I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize