Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize