Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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