God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Say something about gay babies.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
