I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
