Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
