Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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