I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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