Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
