I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm jealous of your bromance
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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