he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
