The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
