Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
