You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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