A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
