he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
