i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
