You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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