I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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