ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
