She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
