all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
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