He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
