dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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