Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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