I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
