My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
