There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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