Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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