I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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