And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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