I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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