If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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