Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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