he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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