Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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