he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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