I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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