Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need to calm my uterus...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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