Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
