u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
