so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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