My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
