I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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