i may or may not be watching the land before time
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
