just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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