You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
