Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
