explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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