My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
