i will never coherently bang her
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize