don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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