I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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