hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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