if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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