i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize