I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
