Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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