My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
