My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
